


Obsessive Compulsive

by Carbie



Series: Obsessive Compulsive [2]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Panic Attacks, Intrusive Thoughts, OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, POV Second Person, Papyrus Has Issues, Papyrus Has OCD, Papyrus Needs A Hug, Papyrus-centric, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 03:11:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8732518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carbie/pseuds/Carbie
Summary: Sometimes the compulsions can be too much.Sometimes they can get in the way of your day to day life.Sometimes they can take over your life.Sometimes they can become your life.





	

You should go check your puzzles again.

You flinched in the middle of your step. It had only been a few minutes since you last checked your puzzles. What if a human had come in that time? What if something had happened and one of the puzzles had broken? You needed to be sure that they were functioning properly. You just had to backtrack once more, and then you could go home for the night. No matter that it had almost been an hour since your shift ended. You needed to be sure! Otherwise, how would you ever get into the royal guard? You needed to do this.

You turned on your heel, following the tracks that you had just left behind in the snow. It wouldn’t take that long to check. Just a few minutes. Sans wouldn’t even notice. He was probably still at Grillby’s, anyway. You could justify checking just one more time. Even if you had already gone back three times before...

The walk back to the area where all the puzzles were strategically placed was quick. A cursory glance over as you walked through the area showed that they were all in order, and that no human had passed through.

What if you didn’t look closely enough, though?

There could have been something you missed in your once over! And then what would a human have to do if they came through? You had to make sure it was perfect! Undyne would be disappointed if you couldn’t keep your puzzles up to code, and then she’d never let you into the royal guard, and then you’d never amount to anything because you and been working forever to become a guardsman, and then you’d become a lazybones just like Sans and…

You were snapped out of your spiralling thoughts by the lack of oxygen you were taking in, causing your head to spin slightly. You had been on the verge of hyperventilating without even noticing, too lost in your worst case scenario. But was it really the worst case scenario? There were so many other things that could happen if you didn’t check your puzzles and make absolute certain that they were working properly, and something even worse could happen!

You took a deep breath, trying to calm your ragged breathing. It was still shaky, but no where close to hyperventilating like before. You just had to do this, and then everything would be okay.

Kneeling down next to the closer puzzle, you got as close to the ground as you could, making sure that everything was lined up properly. It was the electricity maze. The orb was sitting next to it, exactly where it should be, and there was the telltale hum of electricity running through it and the ground below where the maze was.

What if the electricity wasn't set at the right frequency, though? If it was too weak, it wouldn’t stop any human! And if it was too strong, it could seriously hurt them! You didn’t want that!

You had to check to make sure it was okay. And the only way to be sure was to test it yourself, if you wanted to be absolutely sure. And you needed to be, or else a whole litany of awful things could happen! And it would all be your fault…

You placed your hand on the orb, and reached out to where the maze was, bracing yourself until-

“PAPYRUS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

You jumped back, away from the maze, holding your arms up instinctively. 

“Undyne! What are you doing here?” You yelped.

“Don’t tell me you forgot about your WARRIOR TRAINING! I was waiting for an hour for you to come!” Undyne summoned a spear, pointing it straight at you, and instead of it feeling playful like it usually was, this felt accusatory, because how could you forget?! How could you be so stupid as to forget the one time every week that you got to spend with Undyne training to be a royal guardsman! She could never take you seriously now that it seemed like you didn’t even care to remember when the date was! 

But… you did remember. You were thinking about it right when you were leaving your shift just an hour ago. But then the persistent idea that something was wrong with your puzzles had wormed its way into your mind, and you couldn’t ignore it… And then it kept happening every time you tried to leave, until you completely forgot about it because you needed to keep checking just to make sure!

Now Undyne was going to hate you, all because you couldn’t control yourself. Because you couldn’t shake the thought that a human was going to come through at any second, and if your puzzles weren’t right then you couldn’t capture them, and then Undyne would hate you and then you wouldn’t get into the royal guard! But it had happened anyway! She had to hate you now! And she would never let you become a guardsman because who can trust a monster who can’t even remember to show up to his training because he was too busy worrying over the smallest things that shouldn’t be important but you couldn’t stop thinking about because there was something wrong with you and-

A hand was on your shoulder. It was light, but you could feel it right when it laid there, snapping you from your thoughts. Undyne stood right in front of you, but instead of a look of hatred or disappointment like you had expected, her face was scrunched up in worry. 

You could feel tears running down your cheeks. They had probably started when you were too busy wallowing in your own pity, and now you made Undyne worry about you! You really were an awful friend…

You brought your hand up to your eyes, wiping away the tears, and spoke, trying to make sure your voice wasn’t breaking, and instead tried to apologize. “I-I’m sorry, Captain! I didn’t mean to miss training! I was just- just-” She cut you off.

“Papyrus…” Her voice was softer. “I’m not mad or anything. You don’t have to apologize. And don’t call me Captain! You aren’t on duty anymore!” She seemed uncomfortable, like she wasn’t exactly sure what to say, shifting her weight back and forth between her legs awkwardly. And why wouldn't she be uncomfortable? She was Captain of the Royal Guard! She was probably used to punching her problems in the face, and now you were burdening her because you couldn’t get yourself together! This was probably the first time she had seen you being anything but loud and boisterous. That’s not to say that you weren’t, usually! It was just hard to be your normal self when you got into these extreme moods where it seemed like your normal symptoms were multiplied by a hundred. The intrusive thoughts just never seemed to go away when you were like this, and it was near impossible to do anything but worry about when you’d go into your next panic attack over the smallest thing, let alone keep acting like everything was normal.

“But… I missed our training!” You said, almost like you wanted her to be mad at you. To tell you that you were being stupid and that you needed to get yourself together.

“Well obviously you were doing something! And whatever it was, it had to be important enough to you to forget our meeting was today! It's no big deal! Everyone gets caught up in stuff, sometimes. Hell, even I’ve missed some important meetings with Asgore I needed to go to before! Everyone loses track of time sometimes, Papyrus.” She flashed a smile, clapping a hand down on your shoulder than made you flinch before you relaxed into it, the feeling familiar to you. It helped calm you down. Maybe Undyne really wasn’t- “What were you doing all the way out here, anyway?”

A spike of anxiety worked it’s way through your non-existant stomach for what must have been the millionth time that day, expanding rapidly into almost full blown panic. How could you possibly explain to Undyne that you went back to check on your traps four times! She’d take back her kind words if she knew that you weren’t really doing anything important! Well… It was important to you, but no one else would understand that! How could you-

“PAPYRUS!” A yell shook you out of your downward spiral once again. Undyne was shaking your shoulder slightly. When she noticed you had come back to reality, she frowned, but you could tell it wasn’t aimed at you. “I’m sorry. It… Wasn’t my place to ask that. No matter how curious I am,” She said begrudgingly, looking annoyed that she couldn’t know the answer, but resolved that knowing wasn't important at the same time. “Look… I don’t know what’s going on, but… If you do want to talk, you know where I am. Okay? Can you promise me you’ll talk to me if you want to? I won’t care what you tell me. You’re my friend, Papyrus. Nothing will change that. No matter how many training sessions you miss!” She flashed her teeth once again. 

“Alright…” You said shakily. “I… promise. I will.” You didn’t know if you could keep that promise, but… you wanted to try to. Even if you were sure that she wouldn’t understand why you couldn’t stop thinking this way. You wanted to at least make an effort.

“Thanks. And take a day off, Papyrus. I’ll make sure one of the dogs takes over your job tomorrow, okay? You need it.”

You didn’t want to take a day off. You wanted to make sure your puzzles were still working! And what if a human came through? You wouldn’t be there to capture them! But, with Undyne looking at you like that, and promising that someone would take over your job, you felt like maybe you could do it. Stop worrying about it for just one day. Maybe that was impossible, but you wanted to try.

“Alright,” you replied. "I will."

**Author's Note:**

> I've seen some fics mention in passing how 'Papryus is OCD', but I never see it really accurately portrayed. It only seems to be there because, "Oh, Papyrus likes to be organized, that means he's OCD." And even though it's not a big deal, and I don't blame the authors for putting that in there, I wanted to put a more accurate portrayal out there for people to see.
> 
> I have been diagnosed with OCD and take medication for it, and I can say from personal experience that it is more than just keeping things organized, or wanting everything to be clean, at least to me. For me, it's a lot like how this fic portrays it. The constant need to check on things to make sure they're okay, even if you know they are because there's just that sliver of doubt. The spiraling thoughts that if you don't do it, then any number of other things could happen. The intrusive thoughts that come and make you feel like an awful person, even if you know you're not. How you tell yourself that those thoughts aren't who you really are, but you know that it's still your mind thinking those things.
> 
> I love Papyrus. He's one of my favorite characters. I truly do think there's a lot more to him beneath the surface, and I love all characterizations that show this. (One of my favorite tags is 'Papyrus Has Issues'). Even if the game doesn't make any mention to any OCD things, I still wanted to write this, partially as a rant fic for me, but I also wanted to show the people who don't have OCD out there what it feels like from personal experience, and hopefully making it a bit more interesting by using a relatable character with some slight obsessive/compulsive tendencies, and making them more reflective of the disorder. Hopefully I did a good job!


End file.
